It's not what you say, it's how you say it
A little respect goes a long way. A lesson from Proverbs 15.
Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
You may have heard that before, but said another way. Outside of church we say: “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”
When I am led to the Bible after time away, I am always drawn to Proverbs.
Unlike some books of the Old Testament, where you might end up reading about tent measurements, Proverbs has wisdom you can use right away, that very night.
So much of Proverbs talks about discipline, and the need to accept the knowledge that comes with correction.
Consider Proverbs 1:23: “If you would have responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you.”
The lesson there is, help never comes in in a perfect package. Be coachable anyway.
The defensive line coach who can help a kid get a scholarship might be gruff to deal with. The English teacher who can make a good writer great might be a little extra. If we let our annoyed feelings overshadow the value these people add, it would be our loss.
They would have poured their hearts out to us. If only.
But 15:1 reminds us that regardless what value we may add, regardless who may have more power in the moment, how we say things matters. It will always matter. It is not on other people in life to be endlessly accepting.
Maya Angelou famously said that “people will forget what you did. People will forget what you said. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” Same concept.
Many a police officer has told stories of the man, under arrest, who said “thank you” because of how he was treated. Maybe the officers sat him up comfortably, loosened the cuffs, or let him smoke a last cigarette before jail. Maybe they just didn’t dog-cuss the guy.
And every boss has stories of employees who quit after being assigned seemingly routine work tasks. A guy asked to sweep a floor in the morning doesn’t return after lunch break. What gives?
What makes an arrest that nobody wants more tolerable than the work people signed up for? Not what was said. But how it was said.
A gentle answer turns away wrath. A harsh word stirs up anger.
Which vibe are you sending out? The best way to tell: what response are you getting back?